Is it Culture, Craziness, or my Naivety?

Maybe I haven’t been exposed to enough cultures. Maybe I have been sheltered in the eight different places I have lived. Or possibly I surround myself with a certain type of people so I have never been exposed to this lifestyle / mentality before. I do not want to put the blame on small town Costa Ricans just because I have never been surrounded by something like this before. However, it is new to me and something I am not very fond of. Costa Ricans seems to accept it as part of life. They gossip about it everyday and speak badly about the people behind their backs, but for the most part, they accept it. If they didn’t accept it, don’t you think they would do something to change it?

Now I know you are wondering what on earth I am talking about. However, I don’t know of a proper word. Infidelity only describes part of it. Fatherhood, motherhood, and out of wedlock births are only another part. If you add all these up, combine parts, and multiply the lies, then maybe you can begin to paint a small picture. The best way to explain it is to describe it. I’ll start with one I can partly, only partly, I mean a really small part, justify in my head. Now pay attention, it gets confusing. It took me almost two years to finally figure this one out.

A husband (Man 1) beats his wife (Woman 1). The wife leaves him. * This is the part I get. Especially in a country where the woman 99% of the time NEVER leave the men* She starts seeing a man (Man 2) who caught his wife (Woman 2) in bed with another man. Woman 2 goes off with this bed man. Neither Man 2 nor Woman 2 raises their kid and he has to live with his grandparents occasionally seeing his dad and never his mom. Later, Woman 1 leaves Man 2 to get back together with her husband Man 1. He actually changed, and because he is the rightful husband in the eyes of the Catholic Church and she loves him, they make it work. Now Man 2’s family views Woman 1 as a horrible person because she went back with her husband. They don’t view Woman 2 as a horrible person and allow her to go to her son’s graduation even though Man 2, their son, can’t be in the same room as her because he pictures her in bed with another man. Man 2 does not go to his son’s graduation for this reason. I know it’s confusing. That’s why it took me awhile to figure out.

Then, I find out that Man 1 may have fathered a child before he got married. That’s not so bad. The sad part is that people don’t know who the father is so they gossip. I hear this once a day about a different person. “They say so-and-so (the woman’s husband) is not the child’s father, but rather so-and-so (another woman’s husband). Then they talk about how the kid even looks like the other man. I know I don’t have kids but wouldn’t you want to know who your Childs father is? Also, don’t the children wonder why they look like another man that’s not their dad? The even sadder thing is that people are not discreet when talking. These children and youth hear things.

I could list a dozen more examples of spouses swapping spouses in secrecy, husbands going after their wives sisters, men leaving their wives and 8 children for their neighbor and going to live in the town next door, and men fathering kids outside their marriages. Just yesterday I asked why there was a strange car and man outside the church. He was waiting for his young girlfriend in my town so his wife 20 minutes away wouldn’t see them. If everyone in my town knows, don’t you think his wife does too?
Now, I don’t want to spread the gossip or speak badly about others. I feel bad even writing this entry. However, at the same time it is part of what I am experiencing here. I just don’t understand, and haven’t for awhile so I want to talk it out. These stories are coming from just my three small towns. Maybe it’s different in other places or less severe. I know some things happen from other volunteers stories. That is why I wonder if it is a question of culture. Maybe this is part of the Costa Rican culture, and I am pushing my white, suburban American, middle class values on them. Maybe it’s a question of morals. I value family, faithfulness, and honesty. Maybe in the newer generations of Costa Rica they have lost these values. I know the old generation still values them. However my generation and my parent’s generation here in my small towns do not. The last thought I have is about religion. Almost all of the families I am speaking of are Catholic, or say they are Catholic. Catholicism does not recognize divorce. Many couples I believe would get divorced if they could afford it, and wouldn’t be ostracized by other church members. Also, if you repent right before you die, you are saved and go to heaven. Who cares how you live your life as long as you recognize you were bad before you die.